WiseLife

Marrying Mom
By JOANNE RICHARD, Special to The Sun


Take a close look -- did your husband marry his "mother?"

Well, he may very well have. Is your mother-in-law the detached, totally hands-off type? Or the smothering, overbearing sort?

May sound familiar when you take a long, hard look at yourself.

According to the experts, we often choose mates who remind us of our opposite gender parent in an attempt to resolve unfinished childhood business and finally get what we missed out on as children, including nurturing, affirmation and/or protection.

It's something many of us are guilty of doing -- and don't even know it.


"If the woman they find has traits similar to their mother's and if she presents the same challenges their mother presented, then this relationship would then allow him to right the wrongs he suffered while growing up," says New York psychologist Dr. Gilda Carle.

When selecting a mate, we seek out the familiar -- and that often includes the worst traits of our parents. "Unfortunately when people think their mate will fix what they don't have and missed out on, that's when difficulties arise," says Carle, author of Don't Bet on the Prince.

And, according to Carle, everyone wants to be mothered: "Just as women look for strong men who are good providers and will take care of them, men want mommies to do the same in the emotional realm."

According to Dr. Joel Block, PhD., people don't realize it until too late, but they generally find someone who will provoke a central dynamic from their childhood -- unfinished emotional business. "The most common example is a person who grew up in an alcoholic family marrying an alcoholic. The irony is that often times the person was not drinking badly when they met," says Block.

"Of course, ask anyone and they will tell you that the last thing they want is to have the unfinished emotional business of their childhood provoked in their marriage. But that's the point -- marriage at its best is a healing relationship," says Block, who is on the faculty of Einstein College of Medicine in New York.


A need to connect

"As children, we are powerless; marriage is nature's way of giving us a second chance to heal our childhood wounds."

This dynamic inevitably shows up in every marriage. "It is an unconscious process that most people are not aware of -- even if the marriage doesn't work and they get divorced, they still don't get it.

So, many go on to repeat the process: "In fact, if they had a mother who was controlling and smothering, they will eventually smarten up -- usually after the third marriage -- and marry someone as different from her as possible," says Block, author of Naked Intimacy: How to Increase True Openness in Your Relationship (McGraw-Hill).

"In fact, most couples only have one fight the entire marriage. It may seem like they fight about everything, but it is about a core issue -- variations on a theme."

Toronto therapist Dr. Marion Goertz says we will often appear to "marry our mother/father" if we haven't done the work needed to know and become ourselves. "We may indeed connect as an adult from a place of wounded primal need rather than grounded adult growth and efficacy."


Goertz says that from the moment we are born, we have a profound need to connect and bond deeply with others -- to be valued, accepted and loved. "Sometimes, our primary caregivers aren't able to provide this for us and because we as humans are incredibly creative and determined to survive, we will seek this type of connection in a variety of ways, both healthy and self-defeating for the rest of our days."

Goertz, a registered marriage and family therapist, says adults also tend to live what they learn and replicate the marital relationships that they grew up with -- it's familiar, if not comfortable -- despite good intentions and vowing to do something quite different.

But according to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, "most men are looking for someone who will not mother them -- they find the whole idea revolting and infantalizing. Those men who are looking for mothering are just looking for the kind of indulgence and service their mother may have given them."

Generally, people seek out love and admiration from someone they admire and who fulfills some of their most important needs, says Schwartz, who adds, that contrary to popular psychology, some people outgrow their childhood experiences and become mature adults who find someone based on present needs and personality profile.

Awareness is key, says Block. "Be aware of your childhood wounds and how they play out in your marriage and be respectful with your partner's wounds."